First Day of School!

On Monday we all got up bright and early and got ready for Lizzie's big day. I got her dressed and did her hair. I had written her a short little "Happy First Day of School!" letter the night before, which I read to her. After I felt like she was all settled and ready to go (and that DOH was okay on his own...he was a little nervous about his baby girl starting school--so cute!), I headed to work. That part sucked. I really felt like I should have been there, but such is the life of the working mom.

Though I wasn't able to be there fore the drop off, DOH (who really has proven this week how truly wonderful he is) took Lizzie out to breakfast (a tradition he's continuing from when I was still in school) and then brought her to school.

Lizzie took to preschool like a fish to water. She was fine when DOH left, happy to see him when he came to pick her up, but not desperate to go home. And when I came home, she was so excited to describe everything she did at school. I know she had a really wonderful time and will hopefully make lots of new friends!

But I still can't believe I am the mother of a preschooler!

Proof That I Was Once A Major Hottie

Would this guy have married me if I hadn't been?

I look at my husband with the soul purpose, sometimes, of reminding myself that I can't be that scary looking if he's still with me.

What a relief :-)

A Discussion Between Husband and Wife

Wife: Honey, could you clear off the porch today?

Husband: Sighing Yeah, I guess I can. Just, you know, could you please try to pick up after yourself when you're out there? Most of that mess is yours.

Wife recalls the freeze pop wrappers, dirty underwear, boots, un-rinsed dinner plates, and Call of Duty video games she has been picking up off the floor for the past five years. 


Wife considers punching husband in face. 


Wife resists because three-year-old daughter is sitting beside them, and had recently had a discussion on the importance of "gentle hands." 


Wife: Sure, hun, sure...

On Whales and Major Surgery

What? A vaguely timely project update? It couldn't be!

Ah, but it is. 

Project Baby is well underway. In my last update, I talked about how I'm feeling a wee bit...whale-ish. Well, I weighed myself this morning and I've lost two pounds in the last week. *Pats self on back*

Hey, it's a start, right? 

Now, on to something new. 

While labor and delivery are way, way, way, way off into the future, Adriel on Mommyhood Memos (wicked awesome/sweet blog that you should check out) has posted a video on "natural cesarean sections." While my end goal, besides delivering and raising a healthy and happy baby/child, is to have a natural birth, preferably at a birth center (versus the hospital)....or maybe....just maybe....at home? (I don't know if it's a wise/responsible idea to go from having a c-section to giving birth at home, but it's a thought, right?)

Anyway, because anything can happen and a c-section may become necessary, finding this video made me feel loads and loads better about the idea of possibly having another c-section. I did not have a traumatizing experience previously. I had a really great experience, actually, but it still wasn't what I wanted. And I want what I want this next time around, but things happen, plans change, and we have to make accommodations. As much as I don't want to prep my brain for a c-section (because I feel as though that will make the likelihood of having one that much greater), I receive some comfort from this alternative. The video is below and is totally fascinating (though, be warned, the show a c-section being performed, so if you're squeamish, you may want to skip that part).

There Should Be a Dating Websites for Finding Friends

Lizzie starts preschool on Monday (as Elizabeth, since she wants to go by that at school). I think I might die. Of excitement or anxiety, I don't know, but there is potential heart failure in my future.

But I'll update you about school next week.

What I want to talk about is how I don't have any friends. (I've been a bright little ray of sunshine lately, haven't I? No wonder no one hangs out with me any  more.)

Well, that's a lie. I have friends, and their great, but they're friends from high school. Friends who haven't had kids yet. Friends who are wonderful, but don't always get all the "mom" stuff I deal with. And that's okay. They aren't there yet, and I respect that.

But I really want some mom friends.

And with Lizzie starting preschool, I thought that maybe this would be an opportunity for me to meet some moms and maybe, I dunno, make some friends.

Well, today was open house for the preschool, so all the kiddos and their moms and dads and even some grandparents came to check things out. While parents mingled and chatted with one another, all seeming to know each other from somewhere (seriously, all of them knew someone), I stood back and watched Lizzie play with some toys and the student teachers and other kids.

I tried to stand near other moms. I smiled. I said hello. I complimented people's kids/babies.

Someone asked me if it was a gold or green student day (the preschool is at a high school, and the days rotate for the high school students who work at the preschool).

I said no, I didn't.

She looked confused.

Lizzie ran over to me and said, "MAMA!"

She looked really confused, then walked away.

She thought I was a high school student.

Awesome.

I am telling you, without fail, this happens to me any time I go to some sort of parent/child function. I'm either the student worker, the babysitter, the older sister, the nanny. Should I just have "I am a parent" tattooed to my head?!

I'm getting tired of this, and I feel as thought it's preventing me from making mom friends. I don't think they realize I'm the mom or they don't take me seriously as a parent (because, apparently being a young parent means you suck and aren't worthy of friendship or at least a cordial greeting). I also realize that I need to be more willing to step out of my shell and talk to people, but it's hard when everyone else is busy talking to one  another and they don't give you a second glance.

I realize I'm getting super pouty and having a bit of a pity-party, so I apologize. I realize this isn't making me out to be someone who people would really want to be friends with.

But, if you're out there mommy friends, I promise I'm not usually this annoying. I'm really fun! I swear! Really!

Please be my friend?

Recovery

My last post was a bit of a downer.

We all have off days, as parents, I think. That was one of mine. I chose to blog about it.

I'm still not sure if I should have or if I'm glad I actually hit the publish button after I wrote all that, but I did, and it's been out there for a few days, so I don't see much of a point in deleting in now.

But, in case you were wondering, I'm feeling loads better.

I've been a working mom for a month now, and I think I'm starting to feel it.

I'm very tired. I work a long day, with a lot of responsibility. I love it so much.

And I feel an intense guilt over that.

How can I love my work when I love my child? Somehow it just doesn't seem possible (especially when I can waste time that I could be spending with my family by having major emotional meltdowns?).

I know, at my core, what I am doing, working, expanding my horizons, bringing in a paycheck, asserting my independence as a woman and educator, are all good things. I am the product of a working mother, and there was never a day where I felt my mother didn't love me because she went to work every day.

I also know that my daughter loves her "day care" (it's a lovely, wonderful, perfect at-home set up--I could not have found anyone anywhere who is better). I know that she is safe, well-cared for, and so happy. I know she is happy to go there in the morning, but happy to leave in the evenings

And I know that my husband is happy with and respects my choices as a mom and working woman. He understands that I work hard all day and that things will be different during the school year versus the summer. He is a partner in our household.

So, when I have a crap day, when I feel loads of guilt over being away from home, from feeling just plain bad and cranky, I need to remember what it is I know. And what it all boils down to? I know that I am not a bad mother, and sometimes I've even a good mother.

And that's it.

Bad Mommy

Do you ever have one of those days where just know you're a totally crap parent. That, 10 or 15 years down the line, your child will tell you that her earliest memories are of you being really, really horrible? And that will frame their entire picture of you for the rest of their lives and they'll hate you and have to go to therapy and not be able to have a positive and meaningful relationship with anyone because YOU screwed them up so badly?

I'm totally having one of those days.

It's been one of those days where I understand why people encourage parents to be older and more mature before they have children.

It's been one of those days where I wanted to crawl under a rock and just die because I feel so badly about everything I do as a parent.

It's been one of those days where mere crankiness feels like it's much, much more and I start to wonder if I belong in a mental institution.

Our day ended with Lizzie asleep in my arms. We had finished getting ready for bed, stories read, songs sung (teeth inevitably forgotten to be brushed, something I only realized after she was sound asleep), and Lizzie was ready to go into her own bed. I told her she could fall asleep in bed with me. As you may have gathered, it had been a tough day, and I just wanted her close to me for a little while, for her to realize that no matter how crappy and grumpy I can be, I still love her.

As she drifted off in my arms, I looked at her. It's so rare for me to just look at anyone and really see what I have. I think most parents believe they don't deserve these perfect, all-forgiving little souls, but I truly do not. I'm still not sure how I won the good Karma lottery when this child was brought into my life. She is so good, so bright, and so beautiful, and yet I don't see all of it as often as I should.

I get caught up in menial things, things so incredibly unimportant, like the state of my  house or the new recipe I want to try out.

I don't play with her enough.

I don't talk with her enough.

I don't look at her enough.

And here I am, prattling on about having another baby when I still have so much to do and grow with in this baby. I still get that overwhelming sense of awe when I really look at her, not believing that this person is partly from me and loves me, even when I'm not all that fond of myself.

I think I need a focus shift, away from the material, which I can become very much obsessed with, more inward--in towards myself and towards my family and my interactions with them. I need to see more frequently (like, all the time) how blessed I am to have my daughter (and DOH) in my life, and I need them to feel that.

Am I the only one who has these kinds of days and realizes she needs to re-evaluate...everything?