But Why?

I've made a lot of decisions in my life that have given my mother pause. Making those kinds of decisions have sort of become a past time for me over the past six or seven years. And while she eventually adjusts to the decisions I make (for the most part), she likes to make a bit of noise during the adjustment period.

Now you might wonder why I, a grown adult, cares about what my mom thinks. Well, why does any care about what their mother thinks? Because you love her. Because she birthed you and raised you and took care of you. Because she instilled important values in you from a very young age. Because you respect her opinion.

But sometimes you have respectfully listen to her opinion...then ignore it.

A couple of days ago I wrote about wanting to do a home birth. I know this is an event (if it takes place at all) that is some time off. But time moves quicker than we'd like sometimes, and I've become one of those, as I put it in an e-mail today, one of those weirdo planner people. So, today, I got in touch with a local midwife regarding her policy on doing home births with women who have previously had c-sections. As far as she's concerned, it's a go.

Now, it's not written in stone that the midwife I contacted today will be the midwife I approach several months down the road when I'm potentially pregnant (there are a few in the area and I plan on meeting with everyone to get a feel, though, being one of those "vibe" sort of people, I got a "vibe" with the one I contacted today, so we'll see), but she confirmed for me something I needed to be confirmed before I could go on dreaming about the birth of my next child. I needed to know that a VBAC at home was a least a possible option, if nothing else. And now I have that information and I can rest easy for a bit.

But I don't know if my mom will be able to. I mentioned the idea of a home birth to her tonight. There are certain subjects my mom will shut down on. Tattoos, my sexual history, previous decisions I've made that she's still uneasy about, and current decisions I'm in the process of making that she's uneasy about. Home births fit into the last category.

I mentioned home birth and she sort of shrank into herself. I could almost see the barrier she put up and knew immediately I should have backed off almost before the word, "What?" passed through my lips.

"It just makes me nervous. Is it safe if you've had a c-section? Maybe you should talk to a doctor first."

Translation: "Aw, crap. This AGAIN?!"

You see, whether it's a decision to make a butt-load of cookies or a baby, once I decide I'm going to do something, that I really, really want it, then it happens. (I mean, the one stipulation is that I have to really, genuinely, completely want it, and I have to have a feasible way of doing it--thus far, the option of having a home birth seems entirely feasible and right now it's something I really, genuinely, and completely want.) My mom knows this about me, and you'd think by now she'd just give up and roll with it, but I suppose that would be like asking a fart to not smell (not that I'm implying that my mother's persistence is...fart-like, but I suppose it can be just as annoying, though slightly more endearing).

So, I guess this next part is for my mom and for her desire to worry and argue and try to get me to not only hear her side of the story, but to also completely agree with her. This is my answer to her yet unsaid, "But why?"

Unlike some people who turn to home birth after a c-section, I did not have a horrible experience. In fact, I would say it was a really great experience...considering I was in a place where all I cared about was getting that baby out of me safe and healthy. And for some people, that's all that matters, for whatever reason, and that is totally and absolutely okay. It's great even.

I have become not one of those people.

As I've grown up over the last few years, parented my child, read, watched, listened, I've realized that for me, I want the birth of my next child to be the most intense and emotional experience I can possibly make it. It was difficult for me to muster the emotion I wanted when my daughter was delivered. I was fighting sleep, not unbound excitement, when I saw my child for the first time, because I was so drugged (which was completely necessary, because I was having major surgery at the time). While I didn't have a huge let down, like many women describe after having an unplanned c-section, I've instead had this feeling of slight disappointment eating away at me.

I don't want to say things "went wrong" at Lizzie's birth, because how could they? I was given a healthy and beautiful baby girl. But, in many ways, I feel as though I was NOT a participant in her arrival. I was just the vessel and everyone else did the work.

And therein lies the problem.

For a very long time (like, my entire life), people have done a lot of hard things for me. My dad helped me a lot with hard science projects and math homework. Mom helped me with chores, projects, and other responsibilities. Up until a year ago, family members drove my butt around because I was too chicken to get my driver's license (I was also an incredibly bad driver). Nice things were bought for me. I inherited money to pay for things that we otherwise would have had to save for a very long time for. Even school, where I powered through under my own steam while raising a child and keeping a home, came easily too me. A lot of things have been handed to me or haven't been difficult for me to obtain. And my daughter, who I would not trade for anything under the sun, was also handed to me.

I'm trying very hard to change that. It's nice to have people to help you, but I don't want that help to be my plan A. Going into my first pregnancy I knew (I promise I really, really knew, even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted) that I would have a c-section. A lot of things contributed to this thought process, which I'm not going to go into here, but we'll leave it with the fact that I had that expectation and it only grew stronger as I got closer to my due date and eventual birth of my daughter. Perhaps, subconsciously, I knew this birth would be one more thing that I would have excessive help with.

So, why go over the top and do a home birth rather than just insist, with an OB that I have a VBAC, or even go to a birth center or have a midwife in a hospital? Well, I haven't ruled any of those things out. I may find that for whatever reason, an OB is my only option. Or I may decide that I would prefer to be at a birth center rather than my home. Or I may decide to be at home (and right now, I'd really rather be there). The point is, I want to be in a place where my desire to give birth to my child on my own terms is respected the very most while keeping myself and the baby as safe as possible. At the moment, I do not feel a traditional hospital setting is the most conducive to that IF I'm having a normal, healthy pregnancy. The statistics and my personal experiences simply do not mesh with my current desire to have an unmedicated, midwife attended, vaginal birth. And to me, an unmedicated, vaginal birth is a decision that represents the obtainable goal of me making a plan, figuring out how to execute that plan, and having the outcome benefit both myself and my family.

I know I've written a lot, and I hope that I don't sound ungrateful for the wonderful things I have been given in life, and I hope, as each day passes and I take on more and more responsibilities, I start to earn those wonderful things. I appreciate and love and respect my mother immensely, and I get why she worries. And I hope she knows that I don't resent her or anyone for what I've been given. I simply feel blessed for it all. But now I want to make something for myself, to do it myself, and while there are a million little things I've started to take on by myself, I want to start claiming some bigger things, and this birth, however far off into the future, is one of those big things.

There's No Place Like Home

Have you ever had that feeling of just boiling over with excitement about something? Where your whole body sizzles with an idea and you feel like you're on fire with passion for it.

That is what I'm feeling right now regarding home birth.

NOT a home birth. A good one (thought slightly frustrating), but NOT a home birth. 

Weird thing to get all excited over, but I am really, REALLY excited by the idea.

It's...what I want.

And I know a big part of this excitement has to do with the fact that I am currently having humongous amounts of baby fever. And another part is the fact that I'm currently reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and am loving the birth stories (which are making me ball in the middle of the teachers' room at work). But, I think this is genuine excitement fueled by a genuine desire to do something good for myself, my future child, and my family.

This is something I think I can do and I know I want to do.

Of course, in order for one to have a home birth, one needs to be pregnant (which I'm most definitely not), but...but...that could be happening at some point. Soon. Ish. (Or several months from now.) Kind of.

But, regardless of my fetus status, I can't quite get over how enthused I am about home birth. I know I need to do more research. I know I need to make sure DOH is completely on board (I've all ready run it by him, and while he thinks I'm nuts, he's basically said that if it's what I want, then that's what we'll do). I also need to know if it's even financially feasible. BUT, the benefit of not being pregnant right now (and not running the risk of being pregnant any time soon), is that I've got plenty of time to research. And obsess. And enthuse. And blog about it.

:-)

Projects

Back in July, I sort of introduced the Pioneer Project. It sort of...didn't happen. At least not as much as I would have liked.

Biggest flaw in this project? The fact that I put myself on a schedule for cleaning. While I like schedules quite a lot and they can be loads of help in keeping me organized and on track, they can also cause chaos. If I put myself on a schedule I have to be on that schedule. I have a hard time drifting from what I've told myself I have to do, but if I do change the schedule in some way, it's really hard for me to get back on board.

What I did like about the Pioneer Project, at least at its inception, was the bigger picture, where I was looking at things like the general health and well-being of myself and my family. When I think about being a pioneer, I think of people who work their very hardest to keep their families as healthy and happy as possible while they worked towards something bigger. That's what I want to do.

So, I'm modifying the Pioneer Project to better fit my needs. These are the areas I'll be focusing on (for now...I may decide to add or take away later):

Cooking/Baking - Try to cook at least one meal/item a week where you know where all the ingredients you’re using are coming from (preferably local).

Homesteading - Do something to improve your home or yard at least once week. It can be as simple as mowing the lawn or finally getting at that dust under the couch or be as big as planting a vegetable garden or painting a new room.

Technology – Try to limit certain technologies (T.V., computer/internet, phone stuff, etc.) to just an hour or two a day. If this is too much (and it could very well be), try to pick just one thing to focus on limiting (for me, it would be my laptop and iPad).

Health - Exercise, in some way, every day. It doesn't have to be a full-blown Biggest Loser workout, but it should be something, everyday. And don't forget about mental health, too. Consider what grounds you and makes you feel happy or at peace with your life.

Spirituality - Take the time to reflect on things bigger than yourself. Go to a place of worship. Meditate. Talk to someone about the biggest questions in life. Go beyond yourself and your little piece of the world and think globally.

Family - Every day, find a small way to recognize your family and everything they do for you. This may seem small, but it adds up

What I'll attempt to do is every Friday give a quick little quip about what I did in each of these areas. I think what I'll realize is that I do a lot of this anyway, but after five years of college and two years of that being mostly education courses, I'm all about documentation. I enjoy the satisfaction of seeing my accomplishments, no matter how small. I also believe a broader consciousness of how you lead your life has never hurt anyone, either.

Now, considering my abject failure to do anything with my original Pioneer Project, you might be leery on my ability to participate in two projects, but I'm about to introduce you to a second thing I have brewing:

Project Baby. (You'll notice how I like to call things "projects"; another by-product of being in education.)

Because I am finally gainfully employed, with benefits, summers and weekends off, DOH and I decided it might be time to talk about when we can get pregnant. We've settled for some time next summer. Why then, you might ask? Number one, right now I want to focus on my job as much as I can. I love where I'm working and I want to be able to give 110 percent. Two, waiting until next summer gives me almost a full year to drop some  a lot of weight. And three, we'll have time to save money and make any other adjustments to our lives in order to bring in a new kiddo.

Maybe it's because Lizzie was such a surprise and we were such bumbling idiots through the first months (okay...years) of parenthood, but there is something makes me want to really, really prepare for baby number two. And that's not to say we haven't put our best feet forward in raising our daughter, but I feel like we parent her much better now than we did in the beginning. I think a lot of our success with baby Lizzie can be credited with sheer dumb luck (like having the perfect infant who never cried) rather than actual skillz. We can't count on lightening striking twice.

So all this leads to project number two, which I'll be updating every other Monday, depending on how I see fit. The basic timeline of the project (as I've set it up for me) goes as such:

Pre-conception: September 2011 through June/July 2012
This will include - Me, trying to not be fat. Eliminating as many chemicals and preservatives from our household and diets as possible. Building a stronger and even better relationship with my husband and daughter (and facilitating a stronger and even better relationship between DOH and Liz).

Trying to Concieve: (Hopefully) July/August 2012
This will include - Taking the necessary steps to be able to conceive again. Maintaining a relatively healthy weight. Speaking with midwives and OB/GYNs and figuring out what's best for me and my potential pregnancy and health.

Pregnancy: (Again, hopefully) Late Summer/Early Fall 2012
This will include - OBGYN vs. Midwife (if that's even a choice). Birth plans and what to expect during a second delivery after an emergency c-section. At the hospital, at a birth center, or at home? Continuing to eat healthfully and remain active (because I'm assuming I'll be doing all these things at this point). Preparing Lizzie to be a big sister and how to most peacefully introduce a new person into our family dynamic.

Birth: Late Spring/Early Summer 2012
This will include - Recovery. Parenting two kids. What I'm doing different this time around. Babywearing (because I'm obsessed). Breastfeeding. Cloth diapering. Woodstock (not really).

So, if you're interested in participating in these projects, please do! I realize my number of readers is small, so the chances of either of these projects taking off beyond myself is quite small, but  it would be cool if others did participate, too. And when I say participate, I mean you can take what I'm doing as inspiration for your own version of either project (or both!).