Saturday, September 17, 2011

Bad Mommy

Do you ever have one of those days where just know you're a totally crap parent. That, 10 or 15 years down the line, your child will tell you that her earliest memories are of you being really, really horrible? And that will frame their entire picture of you for the rest of their lives and they'll hate you and have to go to therapy and not be able to have a positive and meaningful relationship with anyone because YOU screwed them up so badly?

I'm totally having one of those days.

It's been one of those days where I understand why people encourage parents to be older and more mature before they have children.

It's been one of those days where I wanted to crawl under a rock and just die because I feel so badly about everything I do as a parent.

It's been one of those days where mere crankiness feels like it's much, much more and I start to wonder if I belong in a mental institution.

Our day ended with Lizzie asleep in my arms. We had finished getting ready for bed, stories read, songs sung (teeth inevitably forgotten to be brushed, something I only realized after she was sound asleep), and Lizzie was ready to go into her own bed. I told her she could fall asleep in bed with me. As you may have gathered, it had been a tough day, and I just wanted her close to me for a little while, for her to realize that no matter how crappy and grumpy I can be, I still love her.

As she drifted off in my arms, I looked at her. It's so rare for me to just look at anyone and really see what I have. I think most parents believe they don't deserve these perfect, all-forgiving little souls, but I truly do not. I'm still not sure how I won the good Karma lottery when this child was brought into my life. She is so good, so bright, and so beautiful, and yet I don't see all of it as often as I should.

I get caught up in menial things, things so incredibly unimportant, like the state of my  house or the new recipe I want to try out.

I don't play with her enough.

I don't talk with her enough.

I don't look at her enough.

And here I am, prattling on about having another baby when I still have so much to do and grow with in this baby. I still get that overwhelming sense of awe when I really look at her, not believing that this person is partly from me and loves me, even when I'm not all that fond of myself.

I think I need a focus shift, away from the material, which I can become very much obsessed with, more inward--in towards myself and towards my family and my interactions with them. I need to see more frequently (like, all the time) how blessed I am to have my daughter (and DOH) in my life, and I need them to feel that.

Am I the only one who has these kinds of days and realizes she needs to re-evaluate...everything?


Mommy Lisa said...

I totally was going down that path this morning. Got better.

Kirsten said...

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has days like that. Thank you for leaving this comment. It made me feel a lot better :-)

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