My last post was a bit of a downer.
We all have off days, as parents, I think. That was one of mine. I chose to blog about it.
I'm still not sure if I should have or if I'm glad I actually hit the publish button after I wrote all that, but I did, and it's been out there for a few days, so I don't see much of a point in deleting in now.
But, in case you were wondering, I'm feeling loads better.
I've been a working mom for a month now, and I think I'm starting to feel it.
I'm very tired. I work a long day, with a lot of responsibility. I love it so much.
And I feel an intense guilt over that.
How can I love my work when I love my child? Somehow it just doesn't seem possible (especially when I can waste time that I could be spending with my family by having major emotional meltdowns?).
I know, at my core, what I am doing, working, expanding my horizons, bringing in a paycheck, asserting my independence as a woman and educator, are all good things. I am the product of a working mother, and there was never a day where I felt my mother didn't love me because she went to work every day.
I also know that my daughter loves her "day care" (it's a lovely, wonderful, perfect at-home set up--I could not have found anyone anywhere who is better). I know that she is safe, well-cared for, and so happy. I know she is happy to go there in the morning, but happy to leave in the evenings
And I know that my husband is happy with and respects my choices as a mom and working woman. He understands that I work hard all day and that things will be different during the school year versus the summer. He is a partner in our household.
So, when I have a crap day, when I feel loads of guilt over being away from home, from feeling just plain bad and cranky, I need to remember what it is I know. And what it all boils down to? I know that I am not a bad mother, and sometimes I've even a good mother.
And that's it.