And almost nauseatingly jealous.
I have wanted to have another baby since Lizzie was about six months old. She was just so...perfect. Who wouldn't want to try for perfection again. And I always knew that I didn't want my kids to be as far apart as my brother and I are (six years). While there was never a problem in the age difference between my brother and I (we're actually pretty good buds), I always wished I had a brother or sister closer in age to me and therefore wanted that for Lizzie. At this point that doesn't look like it's going to happen and it makes me sad.
And I honestly think we, DOH and I, could do the same. But DOH wants me to get a job and then he says he'd consider having a second baby. Well, isn't that a bit counter-intuitive? Education is not a career field where you can waltz in for a year then leave to have a baby and then expect to get your job back. When you are starting out in education, you are literally under probation and a school district can choose to not renew your contract if you sneeze the wrong way. As a new teacher, I don't want to give my employers any reason to not renew my contract, especially in such a competitive job market. DOH just doesn't seem to get that!
So, it leaves me in this position. If I get a teaching job next semester, or even a job in a school district working as an Ed. Tech. or something of the like, then that means I will go through the '11-'12 school year not pregnant, likely watching several of my friends get pregnant, feeling painfully jealous and unhappy. Hopefully I will feel comfortable enough in my district to get pregnant over next summer (2012) and have our next baby in the spring of 2013. That's two years away.
That's two years of watching people get pregnant and have babies. I don't know if I can do it. In addition to all that, Lizzie will be five, which is just as big a distance as six would be, in my book. And there goes the fulfillment of having two kids close together. Of course, we could have a third kiddo, but we don't if that's something we want yet.
I'm feeling a little bit desolate at the moment. I know, in my head, that having a baby right now isn't right for us. But in my heart, and I tend to listen to my heart quite a bit more than my head, for good or bad, I really want this. Of course, though, there is a big difference between right and want, and part of being an adult is acknowledging that difference and following through in the correct way.
But it's so hard.